FC Buxton 11 – 3 MUFC High Peak

FC Buxton ran riot at Fairfield Centre on Sunday afternoon when an understrength side met an MUFC High Peak Supporters Club X1. Four goals came from John Crimmins, alongside 2 each from Kyle ‘Berba’ Hollins and Nick Bainbridge, with Martin Turner, Dave Bainbridge and a Merse-assisted own goal completing the rout.

The Cat rang the changes following last weeks disappointment at Barnsley – some of them enforced with the FC Bucks missing several key players. Mossy was on the road with his flares, whilst also suffering from a severe case of grumpyitis picked up last weekend in Yorkshire. Also missing were Micky P, Utility Corbett and Dren. Dren called in sick, whilst Micky P was said to be in Africa handing out food parcels to the needy – all part of his reputation. Corbett was AWOL – although he was last seen telling someone about his ‘goal the other week’ on the Cornish coast.

In other related news – the crowds flocked to see the return of Chris ‘Tiff’ Hill. He was back from a summer of bumming it on the cricket pitch. He looked lean, mean and slow as he warmed up along the touchline.

The starting line-up read as follows (L to R): Mark (GK). Merse. Gav. Ryan Redfern. Bettsy. Nick. Bammer. Tiff. Dom. John. Kyle.

Due to a shortage of opposition players, the Bucks donated James, Chaddy and new FC Buxtoner Ben to the United supporters. Chaddy was said to be chuffed at “finally being able to wear a good shirt, after all those years of me’ Dad makin’ me wear this shit white thing….”

The Bucks started at a good pace, and were soon in front when a penetrative ball in to the box from The Jackhammer™ was turned into his own net by the MUFC defender. Rumour has it the ball was going in anyway, but it was of little importance, the Bucks were 1-0 up.

Crimmins then found the Midas touch as a half hour hat trick had the Bucks cruising towards the half-time whistle. Although John took the plaudits with three well taken goals, he had much to thank for a Michael Towey-esque first half performance from Kyle Hollins, who turned provider for two of his three goals. The first coming from a fine cross from Hollins, with the next a follow up from a fine turn and shot from ‘Berba’, which the stand in goalie JLS Wright could only parry into Crimmins’ path.

Bainbridge hit the bar from a rising drive midway through the half, whilst at the other end Redburn was lobbed in reply for the visitors. Chaddy had blazed over from 0.24 yards earlier in the half – he didn’t dare score against his current employers, after all.

HT 4 – 1.

The second half started much the same as the first half had ended, with some strong Buxton pressure. MUFC High Peak struggled to get into the game, their only threat coming from the long-haired striker called ‘Rooney’ – coincidentally, his strike partner appeared to have the same name, as did their midfielder, and their centre half….

The Bucks next two goals, from Crimmins and Hollins (i think…) were followed by quick replies from the United fans’, as FC appeared to become slightly complacent. Redburn aided their cause by chucking the ball into his own net. 6-3.

Family Bainbridge then took over the game for a short period, as Bammer Snr bagged a goal from close range, followed by 2 smart finishes from the impressive Bammer Jnr, who had moved to a striking role following the withdrawal of the injured Crimmins. 9-3.

An injury to ‘Iron Man’ Adam Betts in his 170^th minute of football that day lead to the introduction of Gaffer Martin Turner, who frantically swapped clothes with a Buxton substitute to come to Bettsy’s rescue, who was by this time crawling towards the touchline in a crab-like manner. The substitution brought instant dividends as Turner pinged the ball around the field like a young Brian McClair. Minutes later he was on the score sheet with a fierce low drive which found a space between the goalkeepers legs – much to the manager’s delight. 10-3.

Hollins then rounded off a man of the match performance with a cool finish from the right of the box in the dying minutes, as MUFC resorted to shots from the halfway line. 11-3.

Despite the score line, it had proved to be a good workout and a morale boosting victory for the FC Bucks, and they now go into next week’s home match against old rivals Burton Albion with renewed enthusiasm.

FT 11-3.

Ex-gaffers man of the match: Kyle ‘Berba’ Hollins.