Portly Vale 5 – 4 FC Buxton

The FC Buxton bandwagon rolled into Biddulph on Saturday morning (despite some dodgy sat-navs) for FC’s first game of 2010. The big freeze had put paid to FC Bucks’ Christmas fixture list, and the lack of football action for the last seven weeks appeared to have taken its toll, as the strong squad of 13 ‘waddled’ into the changing rooms.

Notable absences from the squad included the self-proclaimed ‘fashion guru’ Tiffster, who was said to be suffering from a raging migraine due to the heavy thumbprint which he has been sporting on his forehead of late. The squad were in jovial spirits as they took bets on how much he would weigh by the next time he pulled on the famous blue jersey…

With the rest of the FC Buxton core present and correct, Gaffer/Chairman Stu decided to reinstall The Cat in between the sticks, and the feline purred as he put on his crisp new boots that Santa had bought him. Reginaldo continued his comeback from a spell on Tyneside and took his place on the substitutes’ bench/touchline. The team read as follows: Cat. Redburn. Gould. Moss. Merse. Drennan. Bammer. Stupot. Dom. Crimmins and DJ Steve. Subs were Reg and Old Man Betts.

Despite their inevitable rustiness, FC started the match at a good pace, and with the exception of an early scare when a six-yard box puddle saved the day, were in control for much of the first half. Portly Vale were caught looking just that on a number of occasions as the pace of Caley and Drennan on the flanks caused problems for the hosts’ backline. Crimmins and DJ Steve worked tirelessly to link the play from the front.

Buxton’s early dominance nearly paid dividends on a couple of occasions, and the Vale centre-half was fortunate to see his goal bound sliced clearance hit his keeper square on and rebound to safety. The Vale stopper had to show even greater reactions minutes later when Drennan’s goalbound volley was met by a smart save.

Shortly after, however, FC took the lead when the Vale defender’s luck ran out and his second wayward clearance of the match trickled into the back of his own net. 1-0.

Although FC were looking good for their lead, they were creating little, with only a couple of half chances to show for their efforts. A long range effort from Merse from a poor Vale clearance looked to be heading for the top corner, before it collided with Jupiter and sailed safely over the bar.

Vale were handed a lifeline right on half-time when a dodgy ref/linesman combo allowed the ball to run out of play on the Vale left, be brought back in (much to the amazement of both teams) and be crossed in to be met by a Vale goal hanger, who knocked in at the back post, despite appearing to be several yards offside. Clanger number one. 1-1.

HT 1-1.

FC Buxton went in at halftime feeling understandably aggrieved. Despite this, they were happy with their first half performance after the prolonged winter break, and some words of encouragement from Bammer set everyone off on the right footing for the start of the second half. This positivity was rewarded early in the half when the referee evened things up by awarding Buxton a penalty kick for a soft push on gaffer Corbett. Utility seemed unmoved despite the push, although rumours were rife that this was due to Malaysian Christmas indulgences still sitting heavy on his waistline. Crimmins banged in the penalty at the second time of asking (much to the relief of his team-mates, who had seen his original attempt roll safely into the keeper’s hands). 2-1.

Buxton then pressed their trademark self-destruct button, as three goals in the space of 20 minutes put Vale in control. The equaliser came after Mosschops decided he fancied a sit-down whilst in possession, leaving the Vale striker to nick the ball away and slide the ball past Turner. 2-2.

Next, a hopeful cross from the Vale right seemed to be heading safely over the bar but somehow looped to the back post to leave Vale with an easy tap in. 2-3. The fourth came as Turner’s attempted catch was intercepted by a deft flick of the Vale forward’s head. The FC Bucks were staring defeat in the face. 2-4.

Things got worse. As the minutes ticked on, the ‘referee’ unleashed clanger number two on the game. The Portly Vale winger brought the ball down in the box and set himself for a shot on goal. However, he missed the ball and instead connected with the back of Merse’s leg, falling over in the process. As the Vale players headed back towards their half the referee pointed to the spot, despite protests from both teams. Utter disbelief followed and the Vale forward ignored the pleas of his teammates to ‘balloon the ball over’, to calmly slot into the bottom corner. 2-5.

Despite the farce which the match had become, FC Buxton continued to venture forward, and midfielder/defender/makeshift striker Corbett popped up with an unlikely brace to add a degree of realism back to the scoreline. The first came when he met a Crimmins header at the back post with a little help from his hand, and the second was ‘typical’ Corbett – an arrogant flick with the right foot leaving the onrushing goalkeeper stranded on the edge of his area. 4-5. By the end of the day the description of the latter goal had ventured to Beckham-esque proportions, but little did it matter to “two goal Stu”, as he drove off into the sunset a happy man…

FT 4-5.

Credit must be given to Buxton who continued to battle despite the baffling decisions (Drennan had all three goals of a hatrick chalked off amongst all of this) and they now go into their much rearranged Northwest Cup tie with Oldham just glad to be back in the swing of it all…

Ex-gaffers MOTM: DJ Steve.