They think he fell over… he did and how!

FC Buxton 0 – 0 Sharrow Vale

FC were held to a goalless draw on Saturday morning at a blustery Fairfield, as Sheffield-based Sharrow Vale came to town. Strong defensive performances from both sides made the game difficult for both sets of attackers, with neither goalkeeper having many saves to make.

The highlight of the game was without doubt an un-acrobatic fall from young Jimmy ‘JLS’ Wright. Minutes after coming on, the spritely youth, appearing somewhat excited at the chance to break up the left (and at the prospect of JLS’ next album release), inexplicably tumbled despite the lack of a player within 10 yards of him.

Jim had started the game on the bench alongside fellow substitutes Gregory of the Luke variety, Grumpers, and the forgotten boys Redfern and Cooper. A squad of 15 was an all too-familiar sight for a home match, with the squad expected to dwindle to the usual 10.5 in time for next week’s trip to Burton. Tiff selected the following team: Mark. Betts. Gould. Moss. Merse. Dren. Bolton. Tiff. Stu. Berba. Hallman.

FC lost the toss and subsequently kicked downhill in the first half, with the swirling wind making the slope harder to turn into an advantage. Time and time again, through balls proved too powerful for the strikers to latch onto, and, despite their efforts, Berba and Hallman spent a lot of the first half watching the ball go over their heads into the grateful hands of the Vale goalkeeper.

On the times Buxton did manage to make some headway into the visitors’ area, poor finishing cost them dear. A cross-come-shot from Berba found Hallman in the centre with the goal at his mercy. His scuffed attempt was cleared to safety. A couple of long-range attempts followed, but there was little to trouble the Sharrow Vale stopper, and the match ebbed towards half-time with FC looking very frustrated.

Sharrow had managed a couple of forays forward themseleves in the first half, but some confident goalkeeping by Redburn between the sticks had kept them at bay.

HT 0-0.

The message during the break was to “keep it up”. In difficult conditions it was necessary to dig in and try and grind out a result - it might not have been as pretty as FC’s usual ‘liquid football’, but the result was what would count in the end.

Under-the-weather Tiff replaced himself with baldylocks Grumpers at the break. The midfield was rearranged to accommodate Stu in the middle, with Belfield occupying the left-side of midfield.

The second period began much the same as the first had ended, with overhit balls a common feature. FC began to marginally profit from the wind holding up the ball for the top two, but a succession of corners and free-kick’s came to nothing. At the other end, a fierce drive from the edge of the area looked to be heading for Redburn’s top corner, but instead the ball pinged off the crossbar and out for a goal-kick.

As mentioned previously, Jimmy Wright came on up-front for Grumpers, with Hallman reverting back to left wing, whilst Dren and Stu swapped positions (it was clear Tiff just couldn’t make his mind up…).

On the 63^rd minute mark, Jim set off on his ill-fated ‘sprint’ up the left wing. BBC Sport have reported that the FA are to study video footage of the incident, after allegations that a field-mouse made an unannounced entrance onto the field of play and bit the youngster’s big toe. However, sources close to the FA suggest the mouse will escape any disciplinary action, due to it being “bloody funny”.

Luke Gregory replaced the limping Wright but struggled to make an impact on the game – reportedly due to his concern for his old pal, who by this point had forgotten about his apparent injury and was dancing wildy, walkman in ears… Tiffster made a return to the fray in place of Gregory up-front.

The last excitement of the match saw Hollins almost latch on to a smart through ball. The ball was always just out of his reach, however, and as both goalkeeper and striker battled to be first for the ball, the two collided and the ball was played out of touch to safety. Berba hobbled away from the incident with his hands down his Superman briefs - “just checking”, he said, “that the family jewels were still intact”.

Referee Large blew the final whistle, and Buxton had played out only the second goalless draw of their short history, the other coming a couple of seasons back against Rotherham. Although it would have been nice to snatch a victory and see Berba’s new pants in all their glory, the opposition had brought their strongest squad to date for this fixture, and a draw seemed to be a fair result all round.

FT 0-0.

Ex-gaffers MOTM: Dan Moss (again).